Friday, November 1, 2013

That day after everyday :)

Everday i come across males... colleagues, seniors, juniors, elderly, patients below and above poverty line..i see them objectifying women at every chance, obviously have no respect what so ever for women, not even for their mother and sister or girlfriend or wife ..none at all...probably they have learned this from their heroes, father, fatherfigures...they ll all probably end up raping their wife if not any other women, if not already........its high time girls taught them how to respect women and behave !!!

Sometimes we examine rape cases in casualty...some poor 14 yr old female, disoriented , empty looks and the rapist...always smirking with pride..i dodge examining him to some male colleague ...simply beacuse all that comes to my penile amputation and castration...

I watched this short film.. i m furious yet hopeful....someday... i ll see such boy gang beaten up by girls in my casualty ward..

I wish to treat all their cuts and bruises as asthetically (=not an-aesthestically ;) as possible :)

After all, every thing in civil goes NS( not in stock) , even NS(saline).. :)
lignocaine toh vaise bhi luxury hai ;)

Jokes apart, i really hope atleast our generation girls teach their own boys to respect the other sex,
and 15 yrs later , there shall  be no juvenile rapists, at least..

To counter the existent ones ..lets use all our strength and asthetics ;)

P.S. Anurag kashyap..cheers for making this short film :)

Thursday, October 31, 2013

As promised, best cake :)

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king  :)

Friday, September 27, 2013

Qayamat se hajamat tak

I love the tal-war-baji  warriors coming to Ahmedabad civil trauma centre( Aka LAAL BATTI  :) 
As it calls for loads of artistic suturing .

“Aje varsat na karane “Shonti” rahse, chalo Anu ben cha mangao badhha mate”,  
Our ever drunk trolley roller mama had predicted and I had just ordered tea.

Alas…a mass casualty rained on, unexpectedly on our otherwise light emergency night putting an end to our celebrations prematurely!

Two dozen people gushed inside,…bleeding bandits , they appeared , head and face bandages smeared in blood…and all hell broke loose in the span of 5 mins.

A dozen Rajputs decided to end the reign of a Jaat gang, breeding trouble in their neighbourhood.      
some 15-20 yr old lukkhaparty, some middle aged men, one scowling beauty , a howling mother and a mad oldie,  Mukhiya  cum leader cum grandpa  and a scarcely sensible yet resourceful and somewhat humble middleman was the composition of each lot.

Despite of the background interference we triaged them in a couple of minutes. 
Surrounded by hundreds of cuts splashed randomly on these creatures , we were happy , because nobody had any serious damage.

So we began suturing three at a time, coz we have only 3 tables for tending to injurious patients flooding in every hour from at least 3 states , Gujarat, M.P. and Rajasthan. And thanks to virtually non-existent health care systems of MP and Rajasthan, most of the times we even have to start from the first aid.  

I let the chaos go on for some time. 50 people ...patients, doctors , nurses, mamas and mausis, 108 walas , curious cmos, some spectators , everyone trying to have some say and do, and ending in screaming…all in one room.

Unlike the one happening via media, which is very fascist, 
I love this kind of non orchestrated, unsponsored, purely random chaos… 
and here such Chaos is routine !

Everyone was soon exhausted, even the howling mother, who should have prototypically fainted rather than stop howling .

But the Mukhiya dada, amidst missing teeth and bleeding skull, had not lost the vigour to constantly curse the “samnewala party i.e. Jaats” . he was squirting blood and "Gaali galoch" at equal speed :)
and coincidently “samnewala party” had the middle table and was sporting grim grins, in turns, to Mukhiya and presumably his son on the other extreme.

I could have let this go on indefinitely !
but Mukhiya did grave mistake of grabbing my hand while I was suturing the mid table dumb lad.. 

For 5 mins he cursed me for favouring the Jaats. 
For another two minutes he cursed me for letting him bleed 
and last minute was “ Narendra Modi ko bulao !!!!!”

What followed was.. my  Verbal vendetta !!!!!!
I crusaded em with my commandments

No treatment !
till police mamas kick all the lukhha spectators and howling mothers and scowling beauties out !

 (and 20 people are tossed out by Police ! now we can breathe :)

Absolute Peace !

Nobody dare speak a word till the last stitch !

Everyone will get a complete head shave  !!!!!!!!

No talwar wars in future on Thursday (my emerge day : )!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, usually,  I demand a lot of other fancy stuff like, quit alcohol, smoking and teasing girls,
respect women, educate girl child.. use condom,  love your parents, stop social nuisance , 
get a job , get a sense of humour , get married :) 
( yess……it cures…acute appendicitis in boys…mid 30s.....clingy to mommy....
color co-ordinate clothes with her …..mummy rejecting all marriage proposals for mearge reasons …
I been observing this syndrome… occurring in a concerning and growing number…

I dare say behind every 30 yr old male inflamed appendix, there is a over caring mother !!! )

 So ……get married :) vote sensibly :) so on and so forth..
 it is so tempting to be in such a condescending position :)

Head shave  is my favourite :) because I think it discourages these lukkha parties to repeat the
Incidence, at least for a month, till the hair grows back :)

After affable silence...which i took as a waiver........a surreal surrender...
A suturing marathon followed ….

I ordered tea…again…while final bandaging was in progress …..

I congratulated Gujarat police on being more efficient than Delhi police In handling Lukkha parties… jaats, rajputs, muslims, …every caste and creed ….doctors and girls are more safe here.. everyone is doing their job….I wish this Namonia spreads to centre !

Before I came to Gujrat , I disbelieved in , Rajput violence streak,  that I had seen QSQT 

I couldn’t believe that ladies could wear ridiculous sarees in kitchen , every day and conspire and cook ! (Bang on , Ekta kapoor :)

But now I know better  !!!!!

Eventually nearly twenty bald :) :) people went home..

Momentous pace and World peace ..Momentarily :)

Only if world was a trauma centre run by a dominatrix with fancy doctrines  :) :) 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

उंच माझा शोक !

फक्त श्रद्धांजली वाहून कसं चालेल ?
आजच्या काळाशी सुसंगत विचार करायला हवा.

किमान काही माणसांसाठी, ज्यांच्या साऱ्या निष्ठा त्यांचा व्यवसाय आणि अभ्यास यातच गुंतलेल्या आहेत,
धर्म, रूढी, परंपरा आणि अंधश्रद्धा ह्या चैनीच्या गोष्टी आहेत...
म्हणजे फटाके उडवणं किंवा रोज ठरावीक वेळेची टी व्ही वरची सिरीअल पाहता येणं , आभाळाशी स्पर्धा करणारे सप्त तारांकित गणपती, किंवा असले कोटी कोटी आणि कोट्याधीश ईश त्यांची प्राथमिक भक्ती वा त्यांचा ठेका धरलेले बाबाआदम त्यांची माध्यमिक (मराठीच औपचारिक शिक्षण एव्हढ्यावरच थांबलं !) भक्ती करणं, सत्यनारायण, तासन तास पूजा-अर्चना, पंथ आणि सामुदायिक प्रार्थना, लाखो रूपयांचे लग्नसमारंभ, मंगळागौरी , श्रावण वगैरे वगैरे !

मला तर आता स्वप्नातही अशी चैन परवडायला उशीर झालाय !
वाया गेलेली डोकी आम्ही ! पुल आणि सुनीताबाई यांच चार आण्यातलं रजिस्टर्ड लग्न म्हणजे रोमैंटिसीझम ची हाईट वाटते आणि त्यांच्या सामाजिक भानाचा आदर्श ठेवणं हे कर्तव्य,  म्हणून लोकांनी मुर्खात काढलंय
 मला बऱ्याच वेळा !

पण माझा व्यवसायच असा आहे की मला अशी डोळे झाकून घ्यायची आणि गप्प बसण्याची चैन करताच येत नाही !

पोटात आणि डोसक्यात भुतं घेऊन जगतात इथले लोकं. ऑपरेशन करून जठरातला केसांचा गोळा काढून दाखवल्यावरही मुश्किलीने घरच्यांची खात्री पटते की ही करणी बिरणी ची भानगड नाही.
पण... ही मुलगी, लहान वयात लग्न झाल्याचा ताण न सहन झाल्याने केस खाते आणि तिला मानसोपचारांची गरज आहे,  हे त्यांना कळण्यापर्यंत आमची उडी पोहोचतच नाही !
जीव वाचवण्यावर समाधान मानावे लागते आणि  त्या जीवाचं पुढं काय होईल,  ह्या विचाराला, पेशंट बरोबर डिस्चार्ज द्यावा लागतो.

सुरक्षित बाळंतपण आणि सुरक्षित गर्भपात या सारख्या मूल(!)भूत गोष्टींपासून लाखो बायका वंचित आहेत.
 आत्ताही माझ्या वॉर्डात एक बाई पडल्ये, जिचा असुरक्षित गर्भपातामुळे झालेल्या संसर्गातून एक पाय निकामी झालाय आणि जीवही महत्प्रयत्नांनी वाचलाय.
आता तिचा पाय कापावा की नाही हाही मोठ्ठा पेच आहे. कारण तसंही पाय नसलेल्या गरीब बाईच भविष्य मरणाहून चांगलं थोडी असेल ? शी -शू रोजचं कोण करणार तिचं ? आणि किती काळासाठी  ?
पण तिचा नवरा भारतीय पुरुष असूनही चांगला म्हणायचा.

 "तुमचा हा मुलांचा कारखाना बंद करा नाहीतर, जीव जाईल या बाईचा आणि मग असलेल्या मुलांचं काय होईल?" असं मी पहिल्याच फटक्यात सांगितल्यावर, ज्या जबाबदारीने हा माणूस वागला म्हणून सांगू .

शेवटी न रहावून मी त्याला म्हंटलं की बायकोने नवऱ्यावर असं संकट आल्यावर अश्या गोष्टी करणं गृहीत धरलेलं असतं. पण बायकोला माणूस म्हणून वागवणारे तुम्ही एक दुर्मिळ नवरा आहात ( की दुर्मिळ नवरे आहात म्हणायचं ? की अश्या चांगल्या गोष्टी अनेकवचनं नसतात ? की इथल्या गुजराती मुळे गोंधळ उडतोय कारण इथे नवरा याचा अर्थ रिकामटेकडा माणूस !! असो :)
सध्या तिचे आई वडील आणि सासू सासरे यांच्यात दुमत असल्यामुळे, शस्त्रक्रियेच्या परवानगीची वाट पाहत आहोत.

माझ्या संपर्कात येणारे असले शेकडो गरीब रुग्ण आणि त्यांच्या व्यथा पाहून असं वाटतं की..
ज्यांना धर्म, रूढी, परंपरा, अंधश्रद्धा अशी चैन करणं परवडतं पण त्याचबरोबर दाभोळकर किंवा तसे असंख्य वेगवेगळ्या विषयातले सामाजिक कार्यकर्ते, त्यांनी केलेलं काम किंवा आजूबाजूच्या माणसांबद्दल ज्यांना अनुकंपा वाटते, त्यांनी किमान आपल्या असल्या चैनीचे प्रदर्शन मांडू नये. आणि कोणी मांडल्यास त्याला उत्तेजन देऊ नये. खरचं !

कारण वर्षांनुवर्षे सामाजिक कार्यकर्ते आणि डॉक्टरांनी घसा खरवडून घेऊनही लोकांना आरोग्यविषयक चार चांगल्या सवयी लागत नाहीत. पण व्यसनं आणि अंधश्रद्धा यांच्या चलनवलनासाठी टी व्ही सिरीअल चा एक एपिसोड पुरतो.  "उंच माझा झोका" बघून किती रमाबाई प्रेरित झाल्या कोण जाणे पण "भाग्यलक्ष्मी " वगैरे प्रसारित करणारे हेच बेजबाबदार लोक ! अश्या सिरीअल्स बघताना लाखो अशिक्षित प्रेक्षकानी तारतम्य बाळगल्याच गृहीत धरणं म्हणजे चैनलची चैनच !

असे एक एक एपिसोड आणि सुशिक्षितांनी मांडलेली सश्रद्धतेची प्रदर्शनं , महाराष्ट्राला शेकडो वर्ष मागे घेऊन जातात.

इथे देशाला कांदा परवडत नाही आणि आपलं काय चाललय काय?

Note part 2 :ओ चे प्र आणि अ ची उ

ओ :  नोट छानच आहे. काही मुद्दे आहेत माझे...२-३ महत्वाचे आणि १-२ फुटकळ !!

अ:  :) नमामि वगैरे अशीच सुरुवात हवी , तुझ्या ज्ञानाला मी शरण आहे , but you already know that !  

प्र १. लाखो रूपयांचे लग्नसमारंभ... ह्यात कुठल्या श्रद्धेचा प्रश्न असतो ?? निव्वळ हौस किंवा पैशाचे प्रदर्शन किवा असलेच काही उद्देश असतात. असलीच तर ही खरी चैन नाही का ? आणि चैनीची व्याख्याच मुळात व्यक्तीसापेक्ष आहे नाही का ?? पु. लंच चे एक पात्र रोज शिकरण आणि मटार उसळ ही चैनीची परमावधी आहे अस म्हणते त्याची आठवण झाली . ..त्यामुळे 'भक्ती करणं, सत्यनारायण, तासन तास पूजा-अर्चना, पंथ आणि सामुदायिक प्रार्थना' ह्याबरोबर 'लाखो रुपयांचे लग्नसमारंभ ....' जोडणं कितपत सयुक्तिक ??अर्थात जर विधिवत् केला जाणारा लग्नसंस्कार याविषयी काही प्रश्न /आक्षेप इ. असले तर तो मुद्दा वेगळा आहे. ज्यांना असे संस्कार/विधी केले जाऊ नयेत असे वाटते, ते अतार्तिक आहेत असं वाटते त्यानी तसे करू नयेत.. बुद्धीप्रामाण्य, विवेकवादी विचार आणि त्याला सुसंगत अशा कृती हा पर्याय खुला आहे (त्या बाबतीत पु.ल-सुनीताबाईचा उल्लेख झालेलाच आहे )

उ : 

मी त्यात फटाके उडवणं वगैरे गोष्टी पण घातल्यात आणि पाणी, वीज यांचा गैरवापर इत्यादी इत्यादी पण त्यातच लिहीण्याच डोक्यात होत. त्यांचा श्रद्धेशी संबंध कुठेय ? निव्वळ हौस किंवा पैशाचे प्रदर्शन….  अगदी बरोबर ! पण अश्या गोष्टींच समर्थन करायला लोक, दिवाळी किंवा लग्नसमारंभ अशी कारण देऊन ,परंपरा आणि रूढीं पाळण्यावर असलेल्या श्रद्धेचा आडोसा घेतात हे मला आवडत नाही. 

चैन ही सापेक्ष गोष्ट आहे  … मलाही हेच तर म्हणायचं … की चैन ही सापेक्ष आणि गोष्ट "असावी" !!!! पण एखादी गोष्ट "सापेक्ष" होण्यासाठी दुसऱ्याचे भान असावे लागते. डोळसपणा नाही का लागत ?

उद्या एखाद्याने जर एखाद्या उपाशी मुलासमोर मजेत मटार उसळ खाल्ली, तर माझ्या "सापेक्ष" ती चैन च नाही तर क्रूर गोष्ट आहे.  पण माझं जाऊ दे. 

माझा पेशंट मला सांगतो की बाईगं माझ्या गावाहून एसटी  च एकशे तीस रुपये तिकीट आहे , माझी रोजंदारी बुडवून मी आज आलो , तू आजचं माझा निकाल लाव , पुन्हा इथे मी येऊ शकणार नाही .!

मी मालेगावला कित्येक मजूर आणि रंगारी, अतिशय अनारोग्यात, नानाविध व्यवसाय निगडीत व्याधींनी ग्रस्त अवस्थेत हातमागावर काम करताना पाहिलेत आणि डॉमिनोज मध्ये पिझ्झा खाताना मला कायम त्या रंगारी आजीचे चिरा पडलेले फाटके हात आठवतात , माझ्या पिझ्झाच्या एका स्लाईसची किंमत आणि तिचा एक महिन्याचा पगार याचा आकडा एकच असतो  !

माझं अनुभवविश्व पहा , किंवा माझच बरोबर , असं अजिबात नाही. खरच मनापासून नाही ! फक्त हे सगळ सांगावस वाटत… कदाचित हे वाचणाऱ्या एखाद्या सुशिक्षित माणसाला जेवताना , पिझ्झा खाताना, हॉटेलात, गणपतीचा नैवेद्याचा किंवा लग्नाच्या पंक्तीचा मेन्यू  ठरवताना …  त्या आजीची आठवण येईल आणि कदाचित त्यांना अन्नाची नासाडी ही एक नको नकोशी चैन वाटू लागेल… अस वाटत राहात. 

प्र२. प्रश्न उत्पन्न होतो तो धर्म, श्रद्धा इ. गोष्टींचे बाजारीकरण केल्यामुळे. टिळकानी सुरु केलेला सार्वजनिक गणेशोत्सव ह्याचे उत्तम उदाहरण ठरावे. म्हणजे खरतर विरोध हा बाजारीकरणाला हवा ना कारण कुठल्या गोष्टी बाजारात आणाव्या किंवा आणू नयेत याचे निकषच आपण तपासून बघत नाही. कारण एकदा का बाजारात गोष्टी आणल्या की बाजाराचे स्वतःचे नियम त्याना लागू होतात... Michael Sandel म्हणतो तसं "..are we having market-based economy or are we becoming market-society ?? "

प्र३. माध्यमांच्या बाबतीतही हाच मार्केट इकॉनॉमी चा मुद्दा लागू होतो. कोणे एके काळी वृत्तपत्रे चालवणारे अघोषित पण मूल्याधिष्ठीत अशी काही आचारसंहिता / तत्वं मानणारे होते. आज त्यांचा प्राधान्यक्रम काय आहे ?? मग मनोरंजन करणाऱ्या वाहिन्या (यात झी- मराठी सारख्या मराठी पासून कलर्स सारख्या पर्यंत सगळ्या हिंदी आणि अर्थात इंग्रजी वाहिन्या सुद्धा आल्या ) आम्ही असे कार्यक्रम दाखवतो कारण टी.आर.पी वाढतो / लोक बघतात यासारखी कारणे देतात. सणाच्या, श्रद्धेच्या 'Event Management Companies ' कोणी केल्या ?? साधू-बाबा लोकांचा दोष हा की त्यानी ह्याच्या 'Franchise' घेतल्या...

उ :

 इकॉनॉमिक्स माझा विषय नाही . पण आपण बाजारीकरण टाळू शकत नाही, हे खर ना ? पण एखाद्या गोष्टीच्या बाजारीकरणाने त्या मागचा मूळ हेतू डावलला गेल्याचे दिसत असताना , त्यातला आपला उत्तेजनार्थ आणि उत्साही सहभाग आपण विचारपूर्वक निर्धाराने टाळू शकत नाही का ?

देश पारतंत्र्यात असताना मी माझे मनोरंजन कसे करून घेऊ ? अस म्हणून सावरकरानी बालगंधर्वांना गाण न ऐकता परत पाठवल्याचा किस्सा आहे 

 सगळ्यांना अण्णा व्हायचय… कारण आपली चड्डी  तेव्हढीच ! पण सावरकरांचाही वारसा चालवण्याची जबाबदारी आपलीच आहे न? 

प्र४.आता राहता राहिला कांदा परवडण्याचा मुद्दा कांदा परवडत नाही म्हणून कोणी २ सिगारेटी कमी फुंकल्याचे पाहण्यात आले काय ?? तसच काहीस ह्याही गोष्टींच ! (संबंधित मुद्दा- धर्म / श्रद्धा एक बचाव प्रणाली (a Defence Mechanism) अशी मांडणी असणारे संशोधन-साहित्य आहे, psychology/psychiatry च्या जिज्ञासू लोकांकरता चांगला विषय आहे !) 

उ :

कांदा जाऊदे डोळ्यात… But I think आपल्या इगो च्या Defence साठी "ritual" हा neurotic defence mechanism वापरण पुरे झालं we need to be brave and evolve and turn to mature defences like humor and altruism !

प्र५. "...की इथल्या गुजराती मुळे गोंधळ उडतोय कारण इथे नवरा याचा अर्थ रिकामटेकडा माणूस !" असा अर्थ फक्त गुजराथीतच होतो का अन्य भाषाभगिनी पण यात सामील आहेत ?? 

 उ :

तसा शब्दश: अर्थ गुजराथीतच होतो , बाकी जो जे वांछील तो ते लाहो….  :)

ज्ञानेश्वर :) :) ग्रेट ज्ञानेश्वर, ग्रेट सावरकर :) :) आपल्यातलेच पण किती द्रष्टे !!!! 

देवा , डोळ्यांची साथ येते तशी डोळसपणाची यावी. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A tale of two incidences and two articles..

Evening is tea and lot of words... i find this link to an article on a friend's wall.

To sum it up.. i think
what Amartya sen wanted to say to Mr Blair in 2006 was...

Only christian faith schools are good, because the religious identity that they create does not interfere with national identity..

I go to ward for morning rounds and i find a package of sweets by a hindu patient. He is learning Sanskrit,
so past few days have been great, conversing with him. Inexperienced teachers, new syllabus and old grammar ! Nothing has changed since i left it in 12th std.

I start distributing sweets..sisters first..

The christian ones refuse...i m used to it..a little sad though , the amount of effort they put in every patient..they are the real miracle workers..sadly it is the same religion which makes them so altruistic, prohibits this.

u think its 2013 and people will find relevance in their religious dos and donts but they dont..

Mr Amartya sen, why do we have to grade it good, bad and ugly ?

Religion is like spleen, a filter, which also contributes to some immunity.
But when its injured and its making you vitally unstable, take out and throw it, rather than analyzing and grading ! ( sorry, surgical allegories are inevitable :)

i wake up today and see headline, Amartya sen : i dont want Modi as my Prime minister.

I m irritated, thoroughly..

so in the ward , its patients turn... i bypass Sajid and his mother..( why bother to ask her to take a sweet, especially after being turned down by a converted catholic..i mean as far as the existence of non conformist muslims (or chinese !! ) goes..what is the probabilty.. seriously..

So i bypass Sajid, a young cirrhotic lad, who has stopped drinking since 4 yrs ( drinking is not allowed too..but salman bhai does and salman bhai kills too !! Not that u can use Salman as a reference, to prove that its appropiate to ask a muslim about history of alcohol intake when relevant!
Somehow...they are very offended if u quote his doings!
Nevertheless i Quote him every now and then.. say once i asked a patient , who told me that he wanted to die that day, if u die today, how will u know ki salman bhai ki shadi kis ke sath hui ?
we agreed...die another day...he will ve a long life i guess : )

So  i bypass Ammiji and Sajid, a young cirrhotic lad, who has stopped drinking since 4 yrs.
But his liver has shut down and shrunk and he aint no Prometheus !!

Yet thanks to Mr Modi , i feel like Lucius Fox in Wayne Enterprises :)

 I can put any amount of resources to rescue a citizen !
And in Gujarat, BPL kyadd !!! (card) :) :)owning people are ultra VIP.

They think its sort of a Free Movie pass...that thinking along the..."must see if its free"...indian mentality...when we ask them why the want to get admitted , sometimes they say because they have a BPL kyadd !!!!

So thanks to Mr Modi, Sajid is getting albumin Rs 2400 per bottle and other loads of things, free..he has a kyadd :) and a chance at life..

suddenly his mother pulls me back and goes all Nirupa Roy on me
 " beti, tumhare hat ki dawa leti hoon toh dua kyun nahi ?" :) eats the sweet :)

Back to pre-electorial or otherwise elated state of our experts..

I always tell Aniket jokingly,why have elections..
when u can round them up and do medical fitness..say...

1. who can climb up two flights of stairs ( expensive artificial  knees not allowed )!!!

2. who takes less than twenty pills per day ( corruption correlates with amount
    of anti hypertensives,anti anginal and anti diabetics you take!
    i have learned this courtesy of esteemed guests of our prisoner ward !)

i would have loved to keep no 3 as-

3. who can pee without herniating or taking pills, but it sounds feminist !

so even without no 3 , we can easily and cost effectively choose our parliamentarians :)

sadly rather than being in politics and forming parties like POPWNKNP( party of people with normal knee normal pee :) we are busy fishing for self !

So politics is gonna be like our sad Hostel meetings where u are wondering...who is this idiot cooking up arguments and  putting up irrelevant demands... and u realize..OMG he is the student representative we elected in that meeting that we did not go to.. he has no idea what we want !

Mr Amartya Sen , I need a Prime Minister who will give me albumin, secularism will follow :)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of forever.

It was pouring window looked beautifully greenish...hazy...i really love the sound of rain..i love sleeping to has surreal appeal...apparition..

For me, it rained the most that internship year. ...year i got back to mumbai.. it rained when i was reading Deathly hallows and magnificent others at night and slept my days..and danced my eves..i got to a hostel room in JJ eventually and had to work and sleep and have human contact (my bihari senior crazy room mate :)

i was so wonderfully walled off from the rest of the people and a semester abroad..except for a fortnightly visit from mum... it was like being under a invisibility clock..a spell of some kind..

so surreal..those long walks with my best friend.. midnight marine hikes with my date..night outs..dreamy love, sweet tooth and sour heart...

I was so triggered to fall in love by then..i almost did..i still dont know what it surely meant something..

These days i m surrounded by these young interns..guys and gals..i see them work, study, flirt, date, love, get ranks, residency , move on....i m reminded of how it is to be 22 something..its fun..its so stupid ..its fun.

i was so angry with him, when he said..we wont always be together.. u ll meet other guys, fall in love with one of them, get married..i did..

for me, at that time, love was stationary...only when i moved on..after a long long while ..after being indifferent to a couple of other- near to love, like and whatevers...i began to see things the way he did..
that may be, i was one of his whatevers or likes perhaps..and may be i too wouldnt ve  put my heart over and above for me..if i was in his place...

But despite everything i wont trade those showery days for anything..days, when i cried randomly..for its beauty, mist, mischief, love, uncertainty, dreams, its hurt, longing, pangs, wait, palpitations...
and i cried, feeling overwhelmed, writing poetry and watching beautiful movies...

Before sunrise, if i had to choose, is one film that means the most to me...

i was naive, when i saw it..and i still do watch it..

but its like the time... when Celine visits Friedhof Der Namenlosen, the Cemetery of the Nameless, in Vienna.

I feel what is so important to me that.. i was her age...

Eventually i saw Before sunset , on my own...
and it was great..yeah yeah ..
especially songs of Celine....
and we know its true, when Jesse says in Before Midnight,

"I fucked up my whole life because of the way you sing."

And today i saw before midnight, after waiting for six months and its great too..yeah yeah..
its sad too...

i totally identified with Celine for all these years, except her motherly instincts and now that i ve them too...she says, i have never recovered from childbirth !!!

well its a little naive to think of a movie as a horoscope...but u think u are becoming this woman.. and u know u both have persistent melancholia...yet u want her to be happy and u r sad that this persistent melancholia and defensive feminism which is your itself the trouble..
your greatest nightmare is being a loving devoted housewife
and when u are not dreaming ,you cant get rid of ur children,
the only time you get to think is when u shit...
u have stopped writing songs...and not that u cant..its just that u are not that cheerful...
u dont know how to be happy..
or if u want to be..

yet in the end, u take ur chances
with a loving husband who says,
you are the only woman he has ever loved,
with a chirpy teenager , who ll never grow old and goes miles beyond his ego front to make u laugh...
who ll pull u out of your abyss every now and then...
who loves u with your melancholia and craziness without slightest doubt..
and who ll adore ur old french ass even when you are 80...

I ve waited to write about these films for four years...

i started someplace else with someone..resisted to let go..carried tears in the souvenir wine glasses, flowing downstream..

and then i found a sunset one evening, walking towards juhu beach.. and i knew.. that i wanted others like this...this sunset..many many more...may be forty seven in a day..

At times i dont know how to relate to old poems, old me, love, that is gone..
before midnight has that answer ..

"Like sunlight, sunset, we appear, we disappear. We are so important to some, but we are just passing through"

yeah that 22 year old me is so important to me..

I have passed through..

I dont have to deal with the past, just wonderful memories, and all the promises before sunset, unrequited..

I have many many sunsets to look forward to..

And more than a thousand nights and a night...

And I have u,  telling me..

"Well, it must have been one hell of a night we are about to have."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday "the" 13th :(

Hannibal is not a regular seven deadly sins brand serial killer. He just has a great taste... in everything. He serves people who s life could not have served a greater purpose than quenching his curiosity or appetit .

Hannibal in This particular series is very different from the one portrayed by Mr Hopkins..

while i am very scared of the Hopkin's version.. its impossible, not to love Mr Mikkelsen's version.. 

he is contemporary yet classy.. his paisley ties and three piece suits...all that he is wearing..even this person suit ( music lover, great chef, loyal friend, charming colleague ) as his shrink calls it.

He is not physically or in any way wont know..till the moment ..which will be the last but one...when you only know fear...

very lean..very underplayed..yet he stalks his fridge with ease.  

Very caring, endearing...and thoroughly disturbing !!!

for 12 weeks, i have thought about ...

how our attributions define who we are.. 
what to make of my patronization ? 
what is cruelty ?

if its pleasure in or indifference to... suffering.. then its everywhere.. 
all of us have indifference for breakfast, lunch  and dinner, for billion members of our own species, let alone others..

its a virtue, deceiving ones own species and moving up in hierarchy of this planet..

i think of us...

if the circumstances are favorable, we know what we can do to each other...

i think of all possibilities.. i think of all terrorists, rapists, politicians, cricketers, businessmen, governments, societies..

i think of families, friends, lovers, husbands, wives..

all the soul screeching and dream shattering...

all the love which makes us each coming day..less self like..

Think of us...

if the circumstances are favorable, we know what we will do to each other...

Eating is the least cruel thing..

Now i now why i love Hannibal ...

and like " all good love " that i know ll be gone in a week :(


Although my career ranks 5th, 
on a list of "Careers which tend to have most psychopaths "
Do not judge my faculties or yourself, love :)

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Empathetic enigma

Dancing a routine
walk on earth
very charitable
save energy
be vegetarians

celebrate sheer
pose critically
laugh pretense

have hopes
love arguably
delectably mundane

Oh to die in Venice

Over and above
the counter addicting
controversially cruel
Poignant predator
you are my taste

deeply comforting
thine huntsman, his
piezoelectric sanity

vulnerably dives
in innocently afloat
abysmal nightmares

Oh the Empathetic enigma

Monday, February 4, 2013

le parfait antidote !

Pardonne mes lèvres. Ils trouver joie dans le endroits les plus insolites.

quel que soit ce qui s'y passe
il fait bon vivre grâce à vous

-Une déesse irrationnelle et suspectes ,


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