दोन प्रकारची माणसं शांत झोपतात. एक ज्यांना स्वप्नच पडत नाहीत अन एक ज्यांची स्वप्नं पूर्ण होतात. माझ्यासारखे काही अर्धवट झोपेत, उठ्ल्या क्षणाला रागात जागे होत, स्वप्नांची भुतं मानगुटीवर नेतात. कधी वाटतं स्वप्नांना आयुष्य आहे. कधी वाटतं आयुष्य हेच स्वप्न आहे! जाग यावी,निसटून जावं.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of forever.

It was pouring outside...my window looked beautifully greenish...hazy...i really love the sound of rain..i love sleeping to it...it has surreal appeal...apparition..

For me, it rained the most that year..my internship year. ...year i got back to mumbai.. it rained when i was reading Deathly hallows and magnificent others at night and slept my days..and danced my eves..i got to a hostel room in JJ eventually and had to work and sleep and have human contact (my bihari senior crazy room mate :)

i was so wonderfully walled off from the rest of the people and reality..like a semester abroad..except for a fortnightly visit from mum... it was like being under a invisibility clock..a spell of some kind..

so surreal..those long walks with my best friend.. midnight marine hikes with my date..night outs..dreamy love, sweet tooth and sour heart...

I was so triggered to fall in love by then..i almost did..i still dont know what it was..it surely meant something..

These days i m surrounded by these young interns..guys and gals..i see them work, study, flirt, date, love, get ranks, residency , move on....i m reminded of how it is to be 22 something..its fun..its so stupid ..its fun.

i was so angry with him, when he said..we wont always be together.. u ll meet other guys, fall in love with one of them, get married..i did..

for me, at that time, love was stationary...only when i moved on..after a long long while ..after being indifferent to a couple of other- near to love, like and whatevers...i began to see things the way he did..
that may be, i was one of his whatevers or likes perhaps..and may be i too wouldnt ve  put my heart over and above for me..if i was in his place...

But despite everything i wont trade those showery days for anything..days, when i cried randomly..for its beauty, mist, mischief, love, uncertainty, dreams, its hurt, longing, pangs, wait, palpitations...
and i cried, feeling overwhelmed, writing poetry and watching beautiful movies...

Before sunrise, if i had to choose, is one film that means the most to me...

i was naive, when i saw it..and i still do watch it..

but its like the time... when Celine visits Friedhof Der Namenlosen, the Cemetery of the Nameless, in Vienna.

I feel what is so important to me ..is that.. i was her age...

Eventually i saw Before sunset , on my own...
and it was great..yeah yeah ..
especially songs of Celine....
and we know its true, when Jesse says in Before Midnight,

"I fucked up my whole life because of the way you sing."

And today i saw before midnight, after waiting for six months and its great too..yeah yeah..
its sad too...

i totally identified with Celine for all these years, except her motherly instincts and now that i ve them too...she says, i have never recovered from childbirth !!!

well its a little naive to think of a movie as a horoscope...but u think u are becoming this woman.. and u know u both have persistent melancholia...yet u want her to be happy and u r sad that this persistent melancholia and defensive feminism which is your core..is itself the trouble..
your greatest nightmare is being a loving devoted housewife
and when u are not dreaming ,you cant get rid of ur children,
the only time you get to think is when u shit...
u have stopped writing songs...and not that u cant..its just that u are not that cheerful...
u dont know how to be happy..
or if u want to be..

yet in the end, u take ur chances
with a loving husband who says,
you are the only woman he has ever loved,
with a chirpy teenager , who ll never grow old and goes miles beyond his ego front to make u laugh...
who ll pull u out of your abyss every now and then...
who loves u with your melancholia and craziness without slightest doubt..
and who ll adore ur old french ass even when you are 80...

I ve waited to write about these films for four years...

i started someplace else with someone..resisted to let go..carried tears in the souvenir wine glasses, flowing downstream..

and then i found a sunset one evening, walking towards juhu beach.. and i knew.. that i wanted others like this...this sunset..many many more...may be forty seven in a day..

At times i dont know how to relate to old poems, old me, love, that is gone..
before midnight has that answer ..

"Like sunlight, sunset, we appear, we disappear. We are so important to some, but we are just passing through"

yeah that 22 year old me is so important to me..

I have passed through..

I dont have to deal with the past, just wonderful memories, and all the promises before sunset, unrequited..

I have many many sunsets to look forward to..

And more than a thousand nights and a night...

And I have u,  telling me..

"Well, it must have been one hell of a night we are about to have."

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